Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Randomize
