My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I want a musical about memes.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
