He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
