Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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