he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Randomize