i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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