a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
