i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
