hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
