wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
