I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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