Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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