Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
