My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
