I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
