I wanna bring you to show and tell
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
