a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
