if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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