what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
