I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
