Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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