Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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