The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
