You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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