"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.