Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
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I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
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You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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