Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
