when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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