i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
