He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
