There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
