my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
