Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
