the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
