Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
