I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Randomize
