i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
