im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
