Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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