Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
