you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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