Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Randomize