hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
