You made me cry and you don't even care
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
