put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?