I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
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If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
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When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.