The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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