I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
