You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
