The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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