i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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