I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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