I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
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