Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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