I feel great
I just peed on a car
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
