I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
