Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
